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I’m not in the mood for pussyfooting around today, y’uns. I hope you don’t mind if I cut to the quick.

After smooth sailing for our beloved Cavaliers last season, this fakakta campaign has been one pothole after another. It’s been a rocky road that dates all the way back to China; and it is mercifully coming to a close. Five games from now, the NBA’s Second Season will be upon us – and then it’ll be On, as they say, like Donkey Kong.

Do you think I like the Good Guys going 0-2 at home, blowing sizeable second-half leads in each contest? Of course not! After losses like these, Dan Gilbert and Usher are pacing about the palatial office they share at The Q, looking to tear someone a new corn-chute. And on more occasions than I’d like to recall – that corn-chute is Me.

But I’m more than happy to take one for the team, my friends. It’s like my Uncle Ben used to say to me: “With great power, comes great responsibility.”

It’s my responsibility – as the guy running this column – to do the right thing at this juncture and pause to honor the fallen. For just this past week, we witnessed the passing of two legendary figures in the world of sports and entertainment, respectively.

On Saturday, the man who portrayed Ben-Hur, Moses and Julius Caesar – Charlton Heston – died at his Beverly Hills home at the age of 84. The Academy Award-winning Heston was both a civil rights champion and an NRA nut. But mostly, he was the human in “Planet of the Apes” who went nuts when he saw that the Statue of Liberty got blown up.

One day later, local legend and Emmy-award winning anchor and play-by-play man – Gib Shanley – passed away at the age of 76. Shanley, an Ohio Broadcast Hall of Famer, was known for his awful, checkered sport coats and silky smooth delivery. He was the voice of the Browns and Buckeyes and, in fact, called Cleveland’s last Championship game when the Brownies won it all in 1964.

Of course, one of the immutable laws of nature state that celebrities always die in threes. There can be no arguing this fact. And the passing of these two heavyweights can only mean that there’s a celebrity out there whose clock is ticking. I checked the list and decided that Finnish news anchor, Esko Tommola, 77, and Sri Lankan Olympic marathoner, Kuruppu Karunaratne, 47, don’t qualify.

So if I were more famous than those two pikers, I’d be crapping my pants right about now.

I’m not, so the least I can do is ask you people – (who are also not that famous) – to pause for a well-deserved moment of silence in memory of all four of these poor, dead dudes …

Thank you.

Last season, the Cavaliers sputtered out of the gate in April then closed with four straight wins. Six weeks later they were in the NBA Finals. If Cleveland wants to return to the Promised Land this season, it wouldn’t hurt to try running the table once more. And what better time than against the New Jersey Nets on a little something I like to call Slump-Buster Wednesday Night™?

We’ve all been here, people. No mojo, no rhythm. Bad luck finds you at every turn. You can’t seem to get out of your own way. Then, there’s that Slump-Buster – that ray of sunshine (kind of) – that cleans the pipes. Suddenly, you’re back in the saddle, high on life!

Of course, many of you are probably wondering if this really isn’t more of a “weekend” thing. But, as any seasoned Slump-Buster will tell you, weekdays are often when you do your best work.

Four slumps will be broken tonight. They are:

1. A rule of nature that is almost as sure as the sun setting in the West or a third celebrity dying any minute is that TheBron NEVER, EVER has two bad games in a row. Look for him to bounce back from a 17-point effort on Saturday with a 37-point joint on Slump-Buster Wednesday night.

2. The Cavaliers will break their string of two straight losses at The Q – mainly through the strong first-half play of Delonte West and closing heroics by TheBron, who feeds …

3. Sir Damon Jones, who finally snaps his string of two consecutive DNP-CDs, to take the pass and can long-distance bombs not once, not twice, but thrice in the final four minutes, allowing the …

4. Cavaliers to defeat the pesky New Jersey Nets for the first time this season – 111-103 – after dropping the first three meetings.

By Thursday morning, you’ll have put those Ribbons of Shame away and be walking on sunshine. Hopefully, the celebrity who gives up the ghost won’t be one of your favorites – so as not to harsh your Cavaliers buzz.

You’ve been an attentive bunch today. Gold stars, all around.

Don’t blow it now by forgetting to …

Keep the faith, Cleveland

Your pal,
The Optimist

COME ON, CAVS! ©1975

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